Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox run away from an explosion in one the many slow-motion sequences "Transformers 2" has to offer.

U.S. Release Date: June 24, 2009

Running Time: 149 minutes

MPAA Classification: PG-13 (Language, sci-fi violence, sexual content/references)

Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Megan Fox, Ramon Rodriguez, Kevin Dunn, Julie White

Director: Michael Bay

Producers: Ian Bryce, Tom DeSanto, Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Don Murphy

Screenplay: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman


By STEPHEN EARNEST / November 3, 2011

I have a theory behind Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Actually, this theory can also be applied to any other installment in the Transformers trilogy.

First off, I think I should give you a little bit of back story on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s nothing too difficult to comprehend, but I don’t think it’ll make much sense.

The film’s lead character, Sam Witwicky (played by Shia LeBeouf), has got it all. He’s got a hot girlfriend, a sexually crude mother and father, and a nice Autobot in the garage. What more could a teenage kid ask for? But now he’s got to off to college and leave his hot girlfriend and Autobot behind. So, he decides to leave the All Spark (it has something to do with the Decepticons, but really, who cares?) to his hot girlfriend for safe keeping. Have I put enough emphasis on the word “hot”?

Some time later, Sam begins to experience visions of weird cryptic symbols. He lashes out in fits of writing in the college dorm room, scaring his friends, who aren’t quite sure what to do—-

Alright, that’s it. Really, who cares about the plot? You all know what it entails: giant robot battles. Nothing’s really comprehensible. It’s all just people running slow-motion from explosions, bare-naked ladies, and loud fight sequences. That’s what people want to see. Do they ever question the actuality of a event like this happening? Do they ever notice that these robots speak English in different dialects, even though they are supposedly from a far away planet? No, I guess not. But then again, this movie wasn’t made for the kind of movie-going crowd I encourage.

Now for the theory. See, what I suspect is that Michael Bay hires his screenwriter to write a script that is fairly good (at least, as good as a script can be that involves alien robots taking the form of household objects and invading Earth). Once the script is finished, Bay takes a look at it, decides what he wants in or wants out, and then begins his re-write (of course, this re-write is done with a couple of meat-headed friends).

Now, before this re-write begins, Bay and his meat-head buddies make a list of every movie cliche known to civilized man. This list ranges from the “girlfriend walking in on her boyfriend as he unwillingly makes out with some other hot chick, then he has to chase down his girlfriend and make amends” cliche to the “computer genius that hacks an entire computer system in a matter of seconds” cliche to even the “really loud action sequence followed by a quiet scene where a character has a one-liner, then the loud action sequence continues” cliche. Hell, they even managed to come up with a couple of cliches of their own.

Next, Bay gets paid by a couple of “big name” companies to advertise their products in his film, regardless of how much screen time that product actually gets. As long as it whizzes by, everyone’s happy. Could be half a second. All that matters is that you saw it.

Then, Bay adds in a couple of scatological jokes (for the kids), a couple of slow-motion action scenes, and some really cheesy one-liners. Maybe even a dog-humping–another-dog scene. In the end, what you basically have is a big-budget B-movie directed by a man who can only be described as the definition of the word “inept”. Who cares how much time was put into it? That makes it even more of a disappointment.

I won’t really go into any further detail to describe the absolute abysmal awfulness of this film. There’s no need and frankly, I don’t want to waste my time. You know if you’re you’re the kind of person that likes these movies.

Is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen one of the worst movies I have ever seen? Yes. It was about an hour in when I realized this. I thought to myself, “Can this movie possibly get any worse?” Then a tentacle resembling a bike-chain shot out of a woman’s mouth and began to choke an unsuspecting teen.

RATING: .5/4


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